What hit me pretty hard when my father passed away:

Death is near

You can die anytime, anywhere. I know since we were on the primary school most of us been taught that death knows-no-age but it didn’t really click on my head until my grandma passed away back on 2005. Since then I’ve been practicing how to deal with loss in case my rents passed away before me.

Well..

It clicked on my head more when I signed off the hospital statement to stop my father’s life support machine and medicines. I took a moment before I put my signature on the paper. I stared at him across the room (I was at the ICU room with my mom, some nurses and one doctor). It was a brief moment when everything was so quiet and massive amount of pain starting to filled my heart I can actually feel it but I can’t reach it. Not sure how to describe it. In other words:

Feels…

…. like I’m

Killing my very…

… own

…..

…

…

father….

Sounds fucked up but heyyy, ya know what I mean.

It clicked on my head even more when my father was passing away in front of me and I was the one who talqinin him, he was right next to me, only few millimetres from me, still there with us, still alive, but then on the next second...

He wasn’t.

I can slowly see life leaving him. It was just too sad and heavy for me so my bro took over to talqinin him. So I stepped back little bit.

I can feel his feet slowly became blue and cold and then his forehead turned white. He was in peace, that I can say. Alhamdulillah.

That moment, I was like.. Man.. Death angel was here with us before but we couldn’t see him. He could’ve just take all of our lives at once, and surprise! No one would expect having 6 funerals at Eid al fitr.

Then there was my father’s body laying in front of me.

So empty yet hurtful.

So meaningful and so nothing.

All my years of practice for this exact moment didn’t make me more prepared.

Death, is always something so familiar yet so tramontane.

And now everytime I see people whom I love and care dearly, I get this sad feeling.

Because they will go to somewhere I can’t follow.

I guess is a good thing for them. Hehe.